Then

Then there was a very blunt and specifically illustrated lacking. A lacking of interest for anything more than this precise moment.

Not a longing for a future or any recollection or reconciliation of a past, just a longing to muster and maintain a white-knuckled grip on this immediate, this right now as it fought just as hard at slipping away.

As with literally every moment of my life from the age of 16 to this morning at 54 still looking at my emergency room wristband from late last night, there she was.

At 16, she sat next to me in a beat up car as we plotted and planned what we’d do with these lifetimes that felt merged and molded together for some reason, and now she sits inches away, holding my hand as I cling to hers for what feels like the last time.

​Nothings important, I don’t have room for it. Nothing else matters. At all. No coincidences that carry an awful outcome, no law, no financial strife, no bank account, no judgements perceived or tangible even a blip in my minds eye… nope, just her… my one thing… from our very beginning to my very end.

I love you Brenda Renee.

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